Thursday, November 10, 2011

strong.

So once a week this semester I have clinicals. This semester I am taking OB and Pediatrics so I work very little with adults, most all of my patients are children.
I really like kids.
I figured, hey, this is gonna be cool.
But it has been so much more than that. These kids are so innocent, so loving, so heartbreaking. They aren't even mine and yet as I hold them I think of how right now there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. It makes me think about my life later on down the line. It makes me wonder about my future. But it also has been teaching me more reasons why God placed me in this major.
I've never been one to really cry, and I'm pretty suremost of my life I've thought I was pretty tough.
And lately, God has been destroying that too.


Yeah. Broke me.

What's really interesting is people are so in to "just being yourself". "Embrace who you are." Don't get me wrong, that's all well and good. God made you who you are. But a lot of the time, somewhere along the way I think we become this certain way, people like it, and you accept it as who are you. We start to decide "who we are", and I think we don't even realize it to be able to give it up to God, until a situation comes around that makes us wonder.
Let me give an example. I loved making people believe I was a really strong person. That things that really bothered other people didn't really affect me. I remember my friends would watch a commercial and cry and I would laugh at them. And they'd say stuff like "well we all can't be as strong as you Haley." Was I being myself? Or was I being someone that I just wanted to be. Because I know there's been situations that broke my heart and I've fought everything in me to make it seem like it didn't affect me.
I think what I was really doing was just fighting compassion.
So what did God do? He put me in a field that will break your heart every day of the week. He did it for me, so that I could learn to be more like him, and I didn't even see it coming.

I'm learning that even if crying does equal weakness, that would be appropriate for me. Because the only thing that holds me up is Christ. And that's the way it should be. He can make me strong through Him. And that's the me I'd much rather be.

I'm learning that strength might not always be fighting to stay up, but might be allowing something to break you down. To let stuff in. To accept the pain that comes with love and compassion because pain is not necessarily a bad thing.


Anyway, just a peek into what goes on in my head. I hope everyone is enjoying this wonderful fall. Thank goodness Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away!

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