Hope for the sex trafficked.

So at Focus yesterday we learned about sex trafficking.
It's gotten really bad and just keeps getting worse.
I always thought "man. All these gross guys going to strip clubs and really getting a whole lot more than that. Messing up some poor girl's life just to fulfill their own perverted fantasy."
But we watched a video about this girl who said that her abuser would take them to truck stops all night long, and they'd go from truck to truck forced to ask if they wanted to have sex with them. And guy after guy would say yes. This had been going on for a while (days at least) before a guy finally called the cops and told them that these girls looked a little young for this. It shut down the whole ring and got those poor stolen girls out of there.
Apparently another common place is to take them to different construction sites.
It's just random places like that that are just full of men.
But here's my question.
There are christian truck drivers.
There are christian construction workers.
There are pretty much christians in every field all over the U.S. now.
So... how does that still happen?
Why isn't there a christian at the construction site that speaks up? Calls the cops? Works to get that girl out of there?
Why doesn't that trucker pull her inside and act like all the other guys, but maybe he calls the cops and lets her call her parents?
These perverted pimp guys should be scared everywhere they go with fear of a christian speaking up and saving those girls from their disgusting clutches.
This should be something rare. It shouldn't be the largest growing act of crime because every time we even suspect something, we should be acting.
Helping people should be a priority. Not looking down on someone without knowing their story. Or trying to take advantage of them.
Just because they ask for it, doesn't mean they still aren't being forced.

God, please help these poor girls that are being forced into this degrading, painful, embarrassing act. Please give them hope, and get them out of these situations. Father please also help men to step up and act on what's right. Let men realize that this is wrong , and they should be using the power they have to help these girls, not push them further into despair. And God, please keep our eyes open so that if we see something we don't dismiss it, but act. Give us Your eyes. Amen.

Hardened hearts

I've been having an interesting time in my walk with Christ.
At chapel they've been asking "you know that secret sin that you deal with that no one knows about?" And I've been thinking... "no, actually."
I'm not saying I don't sin.
I'm just saying I really don't have anything that I have at this time like that.
So at first I thought, hmm. Maybe I just need to ask God to reveal it to me.
So I did. Weeks have passed. Nothing. Like I had thought.
So I was thinking, in that case, what exactly is going on? I mean, I don't have a secret sin holding me back. I'm a "good person". I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm a virgin. I obey the law. I'm nice to people. I even love people.
Heck, I don't even watch rated R movies.
And I truly love God. What is going on here?
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm not going anywhere?
So tonight, we had a speaker at Focus. And he was talking about how sometimes, people do everything right. And even love God. But, they're more like pharisees. Maybe not in all aspects, but in that their hearts are hardened, and they just keep getting harder.
And he said "either your heart is getting harder, or it's getting more compassionate. Which is yours doing?"
And I realized...
And it hurt...
that that is why I have been at a stand still.
We have missions opportunities, and I either don't do them, or do them half heartedly.
Half the time, I don't even think about the poor.
I don't have a burden on my heart to help them...
And it's because I haven't wanted it to be there.

God broke my heart tonight. I have nothing holding me here. I have nothing to pull my focus away from His will. And tonight I realized that if I want to graduate and spend a month out of every year in a third world country helping people for free... my heart should already be there now. I've known this is my calling for a long time, and I have the desire to help them... then. But what makes me think that my desire is going to blossom just because I've graduated?
I should have the desire now.
And God gave me that burning desire the very instant that I asked him to tonight.

So I'm excited. Next week, I'll be starting to work at Helping Hands. It's where you make boxes of food for the poor, and you get to give it to them. I want to start now. I want my life to affect someone elses, and not just my friends. I want to make a difference for my God.
I know He's always proud of me, but I want to give Him actual reason to be.

storms, thoughts, friends.

It's raining outside right now. Storming.
There's nothing more amazing than Texas storms.
It's lightning and thundering and you can hear the wind pushing against the building.
It's really crazy how something that should be so scary and can cause such damage is so beautiful and awe-inspiring.
It's night, and it's raining, and I'm just curled up inside with chocolate milk trying to make sure I don't get sick and studying for nursing and watching FRIENDS. It's nice to have some time to myself to get everything I need to get done finished.
It seems like every day I'm out with friends or out running around and I love it sooo much. I never just chill by myself anymore, unless I'm studying.
I just got an email saying my midterm grades are up. I thought "there must be some kind of mistake. It can't be midterms already. It's only been a few weeks." I don't want this semester to end. I'm not ready for next semester, being busy all the time. I feel like this is what college has been supposed to be like, and now it's almost gone.
I just have to remind myself J1 is the hardest semester. I get through next semester, and I get a whole summer with no school and then just a year and a half till I'm done.
I'm just going to enjoy this amazing semester God has given me to the fullest. I've been spending it with these people a lot.

I went to college station to see my bestie Hannah for her 20th birthday. It was soo much fun.

I hit up every home football game. This was homecoming with Jenna and Aubrey. We won by over 30 points, of course.

This is Aubrey and I going to Wild West. We hang out...every day. It's soo much fun. She's been keeping me sane this semester, and I think we're gonna get an apartment together next semester. God has blessed me with some amazing, Christian friends. I'm so thankful!!

He loves me.

God wants what's best for me. He loves me.
I dream of having someone who loves me forever, unconditionally. Why is it that I forget that I do have someone?
In fact, the very someone who invented love?
And He loves ME. A lot. Why does that sometimes not feel like enough? And seriously, how can I forget that?
How does that fade into the back of my mind?
He smiles when He sees me.
He doesn't want to change me, even the things I want to change.
He thinks I'm gorgeous.
I want to live for Him. I really and truly do. I just don't understand how my mind gets distracted.
Especially when I don't want it to.
Jesus is enough for me. I know this. And I believe this. So how do I let satan get in my head and think other thoughts, and then try to justify them? And why am I blind to it until I look back and think wait, what was I thinking? I wanted Jesus, and no one else.
How many times have I done this?
How many times will I continue to do this?
I hate letting people down.
I hate letting my Father down.
Especially when I think about how He loves me more than any human will. I should care more about disappointing Him every second than any human. But that isn't what ends up happening.

I chose my major because this is what God wanted. There is absolutely no way to see that as untrue. When I think back as to how I ended up getting here, I know it's all God. Because trust me, I had no desire to be a nurse until God changed my desires to His. I know this, because I was way too adamant about not being one.
And I'm stubborn, so He really changed my heart.
He's changed me in so many ways since school started. I feel like I'm a different person.
I'm learning to control myself.
I'm making friends out of no where.
I know it's because of God.
He's changing my heart to how I meet people, judge people, want to take care of people I don't even know.
I like this person he's shaping me into. I just wish I could stay focused on Him all the time, and not have moments where I don't know what just happened.

Lord, you're changing me. You know this. I love it. I just wish that I could stay focused on You forever. Please help keep my eyes focused on You throughout the distractions. I'm sorry that I let you down, but thank you so so much for this love that I don't deserve, because I don't know what I'd do without it.
I don't know what I'd do without You.
I love you.

doubts

Today for me was like a dream day for any college student. I had:
gone to Wild West, which is a country dancing hall in Waco that all the UMHB students go to every Thursday the night before
Danced the night away till 2
Spent the night at a close friend's apartment
Not had class
Woke up after 12
Went to the quad with a blanket, my laptop, math study cards and a couple of friends and chilled for a couple hours
Played with a friend's puppy
Had amazing fresh frozen yogurt at the store down the street
Enjoyed the 75 degree weather with the Texas blue sky
Right when I thought I had nothing to do, got a call from a great friend who invited me out to eat with him
Then went to a coffee house and hung out
Then went to another friend's house and watched a movie

All in all, a pretty rocking day. And yet in the midst of this day, satan was really messing with me. I was feeling so conflicted even while I was smiling. Cause somewhere in the back of my head, satan was planting these doubts in my head I had either never had, or not had in a very long time.

New doubts like: this math is going to be really hard on you. You have to do it for the rest of your life. Other people think it's easy but for you it's hard. You're too lazy for this career.

Nursing is really hard, the most difficult time-consuming major at this school. You won't be able to really enjoy the rest of your college career after this semester, but everyone else will be. Without you. Maybe you should just change your major. I mean seriously, did you even want to do this with your life?

This mission trip is already a lot of work. Did you even want to go in the first place? You're going out of your way to get all this stuff done and you already have too much to do. You shouldn't even be enjoying this, you should be shut in your room studying.

This guy doesn't like you, and he really hasn't this whole time. There's a whole slew of girls after him, and you never knew it. He just wanted to let you down easy, but didn't really know how. Now there goes the first crush you've had in 3 years, and he doesn't like you. I wonder if you'll be getting married before you die, or if you're just gonna have to settle after all the good ones are taken. Ones you could have had, if you weren't too busy focused on this one bad one.

I was thinking about the last one tonight, when all of the sudden those other ones came to mind. And I realized, you know what. I have some thinking to do. Maybe some big decisions to make. But all in all, God is the one in charge of my life. And I need to remember to let him take control every day, through my attitude and my thoughts, and remembering to live without regrets. We'll see what happens. But I love my Jesus. He can get me through anything.