Hardened hearts

I've been having an interesting time in my walk with Christ.
At chapel they've been asking "you know that secret sin that you deal with that no one knows about?" And I've been thinking... "no, actually."
I'm not saying I don't sin.
I'm just saying I really don't have anything that I have at this time like that.
So at first I thought, hmm. Maybe I just need to ask God to reveal it to me.
So I did. Weeks have passed. Nothing. Like I had thought.
So I was thinking, in that case, what exactly is going on? I mean, I don't have a secret sin holding me back. I'm a "good person". I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm a virgin. I obey the law. I'm nice to people. I even love people.
Heck, I don't even watch rated R movies.
And I truly love God. What is going on here?
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm not going anywhere?
So tonight, we had a speaker at Focus. And he was talking about how sometimes, people do everything right. And even love God. But, they're more like pharisees. Maybe not in all aspects, but in that their hearts are hardened, and they just keep getting harder.
And he said "either your heart is getting harder, or it's getting more compassionate. Which is yours doing?"
And I realized...
And it hurt...
that that is why I have been at a stand still.
We have missions opportunities, and I either don't do them, or do them half heartedly.
Half the time, I don't even think about the poor.
I don't have a burden on my heart to help them...
And it's because I haven't wanted it to be there.

God broke my heart tonight. I have nothing holding me here. I have nothing to pull my focus away from His will. And tonight I realized that if I want to graduate and spend a month out of every year in a third world country helping people for free... my heart should already be there now. I've known this is my calling for a long time, and I have the desire to help them... then. But what makes me think that my desire is going to blossom just because I've graduated?
I should have the desire now.
And God gave me that burning desire the very instant that I asked him to tonight.

So I'm excited. Next week, I'll be starting to work at Helping Hands. It's where you make boxes of food for the poor, and you get to give it to them. I want to start now. I want my life to affect someone elses, and not just my friends. I want to make a difference for my God.
I know He's always proud of me, but I want to give Him actual reason to be.