strong.

So once a week this semester I have clinicals. This semester I am taking OB and Pediatrics so I work very little with adults, most all of my patients are children.
I really like kids.
I figured, hey, this is gonna be cool.
But it has been so much more than that. These kids are so innocent, so loving, so heartbreaking. They aren't even mine and yet as I hold them I think of how right now there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. It makes me think about my life later on down the line. It makes me wonder about my future. But it also has been teaching me more reasons why God placed me in this major.
I've never been one to really cry, and I'm pretty suremost of my life I've thought I was pretty tough.
And lately, God has been destroying that too.


Yeah. Broke me.

What's really interesting is people are so in to "just being yourself". "Embrace who you are." Don't get me wrong, that's all well and good. God made you who you are. But a lot of the time, somewhere along the way I think we become this certain way, people like it, and you accept it as who are you. We start to decide "who we are", and I think we don't even realize it to be able to give it up to God, until a situation comes around that makes us wonder.
Let me give an example. I loved making people believe I was a really strong person. That things that really bothered other people didn't really affect me. I remember my friends would watch a commercial and cry and I would laugh at them. And they'd say stuff like "well we all can't be as strong as you Haley." Was I being myself? Or was I being someone that I just wanted to be. Because I know there's been situations that broke my heart and I've fought everything in me to make it seem like it didn't affect me.
I think what I was really doing was just fighting compassion.
So what did God do? He put me in a field that will break your heart every day of the week. He did it for me, so that I could learn to be more like him, and I didn't even see it coming.

I'm learning that even if crying does equal weakness, that would be appropriate for me. Because the only thing that holds me up is Christ. And that's the way it should be. He can make me strong through Him. And that's the me I'd much rather be.

I'm learning that strength might not always be fighting to stay up, but might be allowing something to break you down. To let stuff in. To accept the pain that comes with love and compassion because pain is not necessarily a bad thing.


Anyway, just a peek into what goes on in my head. I hope everyone is enjoying this wonderful fall. Thank goodness Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away!

life.

So I know this is only the second week of school, but it's also the last week before clinicals start, and so it's been a little more stressful than anticipated. I have an IV check off, a pedi math test I have to make a 90 on to pass, a paper due Thursday morning, a trip to Waco to check out the hospital and a simulation all within three days.
But on top of that, I am really having a hard time focusing on school. And I think it's because for the first time, I really don't want to be here.
I want to be there. And I don't know where there is yet.
I'm so confused about where Father wants me next summer. If He wants me somewhere next summer.
What if I was taken overseas to see how amazing it is, and to know that I will make multiple trips around once I become a nurse?
Or am I supposed to go there next summer?
Am I supposed to live there for a short time after I graduate?
At this time, I don't believe Father wants me to live overseas permanently. I'm really not sure why He'd give me a desire to flight nurse and then take me out of the only country that it's really prevalent in. But I don't know. Desires change.

The issue I'm having is that deadlines for trips are coming up. I'd need to sign up and start raising money as soon as I can, especially since I don't have time to work.

I want to know where I'm supposed to go, but I don't feel like I've been given an answer. Maybe that's the answer in itself. Maybe I'm not supposed to know now. Maybe it's a trip that I haven't been presented yet. Maybe He'll place something in my lap that's so beyond amazing for what He wants me to do.
Maybe He doesn't want me to go somewhere this summer, and instead work on getting my EMT before I graduate.
And maybe He's just teaching me patience and to rely on Him more than I already do.
Yeah. He's definitely doing that.

It's so easy to forget that life is more about obedience than activity. If I'm not supposed to go on a trip, that doesn't mean that what I'm doing here is any less important. It's definitely not.
Sometimes I just feel stuck in a rut here, like I should be somewhere overseas, doing something. I can just completely miss the point of everything, over and over again. That's when Father gently opens my eyes to the fact that He wants me here. I'm at this school, in this major, because He wants me to be. I'm being obedient in that way. Now I just have to do it with the right heart.
Though it's okay for me to love the people on the other side of the world, I shouldn't be consumed, especially to the point that I miss the hurting people right in front of me.

Father, only You know my life. I just ask that You do what You want with it.

thoughts on God. people. compassion.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I adore missions.
Everything about them. The creativity, how peoples hearts really show through when they're helping people, how everyone has that breaking point but maybe not everyone has the same. I love watching how people so different can work together as one. I love how Father can bring everyone together over and over and over and over, to unite over something, something that will change peoples lives for the better.
I love passion.
Why does this happen?
Because we care.
How?
Because of God.
As a nursing major, I've figured out there really is no other reason. If we were just a bunch of atoms put together randomly with no purpose, then we really wouldn't care about what happened to other people.
But we do.
Because we have a purpose. And that purpose, 100%, is to bring glory to our Father.
And the simplest (though not easy) way to do this, is to care. And what's more, to do something with that caring.

So today I was shopping around online. I've wanted this hat.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/krochet-kids-betty-cap/3141310?origin=category
So so cute. The best part is, there's a message from the person who made it, that was saved from whatever horrible situation they were in before.
Well, when I googled this, some more sites came up.
One was TOMS, which is great. But another was something I had never heard of before.
I watched the video on it, and read the blog, and may have cried a bit.
So I wanted to share it with you. Take the time to watch it. Take the time to pray for this situation. Take the time to think of if there's anything you can do, and if not, just spread the news about it. I had never heard of it, but it definitely made an impact on me.
www.fallingwhistles.com

And if this isn't this doesn't break your heart, take a minute to evaluate were your heart is. I know that everyone isn't in the same place, but you should always be praying for compassion. I believe it's God's gift to us to bond us all together. Pray for it, and you'd be surprised how quickly He'll answer.

I'm loving...

So I'm living in an apartment now.
It's looking pretty good, but I'm looking forward to putting more personal touches on it. I'll be sure to update this as it goes. Since this is my first weekend really being here, I'm excited to get to be all crafty and really figure out what I want for this place. But just as of right now I'm disliking...
All this reading I'm having to do...

I'm loving...
This painting I bought in the Middle East

My go-to show when I need to relax my brain... this or Modern Family.

Cookies. Because I'm human.

My guilty pleasure. I'm slightly obsessed.

Even this toenail polish.

So far, this semester has been much harder for me to fall into. Normally, I get into it pretty quickly, but I've really just not had the desire to do school this semester. Which is very unlike me. Hopefully, once this 105 degree weather goes away I'll be able to get more excited about this. We'll see how it goes.

just a glance.

Sometimes, I'm good at blogging.

Sometimes, I'm not.

Lately, this has been a not.

I had a lot of stuff going on this summer, which I will hopefully get to share at some point, but right now there's something bigger to talk about. Something that is going to take much more than one blog to talk about all the people I met and lessons I learned and ways that I fell on my face and ways that my life was changed but... you've gotta start somewhere.

So basically...

I spent 5 weeks overseas in the middle east. And it was the most

amazing

hard

eye-opening

infuriating

tear-jerking

life-changing

experience of my life.

It's amazing how when you pray a prayer of desperation, for God to just make himself 100% and you nothing, how serious He takes it. How He breaks you down a little more each day, until you finally reach rock bottom after weeks and realize that now, there is nothing seperating you. You can just look up through the pit and see Him. Feel Him. Know Him.

It's amazing how you can have the Holy Spirit fill you like in Acts, how it comes upon them so suddenly. How you realize that is Jesus telling you exactly what to do, and if you just listen, He can change your entire day in a way that would have been completely inconceivable, and even impossible, for you to do on your own.

It's amazing how hard the concept of obedience over activity is. How you can be doing something that's "right", maybe even "really right", like reading your Bible or going to church, but that might not be the exact thing Father is calling you to do at that moment. I'm not reasoning out excuses to not go to church or not read your Bible because that's wrong. And I'm not giving reasons to do this for selfish reasons like "I just need some time to relax and be with family/friends." No. I'm saying that Jesus never sinned, and yet He healed peoples crippled hands (in Mark) on the Sabbath. He was the ultimate example of obedience over activity. How you have to be in tune with God every single day, every single moment to even have this work.

It's amazing to me that we could be set to prayer walk for 3 hours a day, and how it changes your mindset to where at the end of the 3 hours you're not bored or tired of praying, you just keep praying throughout every day, every time you see something that you wouldn't have noticed before but God now breaks your heart for.

It's amazing to me how God could change plans I had made. Completely obliverate these ideas that were going to be amazing, and replace them with something that will real.

I've learned so much, but there's a previous of the billions of thoughts going on in my head. I encourage you to take a moment to just think on one of them throughout your day, and see if maybe God shows you something out of it.

God is, has been, and forever will be working, loving, and faithful.

oh, family.

Vacations with my family are always so much fun.
My mom is a great planner. She thinks about the stuff we're interested in and finds a way to incorporate that into our trips.
However, I must say though my favorite parts of this trip were:

-beat boxing with my brother for hours in the car

- "your mom" to everything

-full bodyslam wrestling with my family in the hotel every night for the remote

- yelling "that's my brother" every time he made a three pointer

- not noticing that our table in branson rose all the way up to my chin while i was eating

- screaming "chipotle" every single time we passed one

-refusing to give my mom bathroom breaks

-laughing so hard my stomach hurt

even though I ended up spending some of it in urgent care and definitely didn't enough sleep because of that, it was a fun trip. Can't wait till summer.

Hardships and blessings

For the past couple weeks, my family has been having a hard, hard time.
Money issues. Grade issues for me and my brother. Car issues. Friend issues. Stupid financial aid.
Stress, Stress, Stress.

Every day, more things kept happening. It got to the point where I was past crying and just laughed the more terrible things got.
My mom kept saying "eventually things are gonna turn around".

And then they did.

I got a call from my mom saying that we got a couple thousand dollar donation to our mission trips, and now are pretty much paid for.
I went to remediation for a test that I had barely failed, and my teacher raised my grade for going and now I'm passing the class with a B.
My dad got a really great car.
My brother got another chance with a messed up paper for his college class.
Financial aid is in the process of being worked out.

I love that God is so faithful. If we wouldn't have had the hardships, we wouldn't have realized how great what we got is, or how he really does take care of our every need.

So if you're going through a really hard time right now, take it to God. He'll help when you ask.

Drives

A lot of college students hate driving home.
It's understandable... while you're driving you're thinking all the millions of things you could be doing and how in 2 days you're going to be driving back.
But I have always really really enjoyed it. I love my drive home.
It just shows classic Texas. You see the switch from south Texas to central Texas. I just love it here so much.
With less than 2 years left in college, I've been starting to realize that from here, I can go anywhere.
Literally.

(It's kinda scary.)

The interesting thing is the more that I realize this, the more that I enjoy my surroundings. I don't know where God is going to send me, but wherever it is will be great. I can't wait for my mission trip... I really feel God is going to open my eyes to something. I don't know what, but I feel like it will be more than just a new culture... it'll be something like where I should live, or what exactly I'm going to be doing with my life. I can't wait.

Maybe that's why I'm still single. Maybe that's why I have this major. Maybe God put me on this path so that I can move around, and He knows that if not, I wouldn't be as free to travel, or be dangerous. My life has so many maybes but I'm really starting to get excited about them.

So for now, until those big choices start being made, I'll just enjoy my drives and think about how blessed I've been to grow up here.

Valentines

I really thought Valentine's day was going to suck. Last Valentine's was one of the worst days in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and so though it wouldn't be as bad as that was, it was still gonna be pretty darn unfortunate.
However, it was not.
I stayed at school this weekend and expected to do nothing but sleep. But instead, on Friday I went with my friends Zach and Aaron and watched Disney movies and ate cookies and played telephone pictionary with them for about 6 hours.
Saturday Zach called me and asked me to go to Hope for the Hungry with him. I had never been before so I went along.
They took us to the bad part of Belton (which if you've been to Belton... the only nice part is UMHB itself) and we played with these little kids in the park for hours. It was so much fun. They would just latch on to you and go crazy. I got full out tackled in football and didn't even care. I played with chalk and decorated cookies and played with bubbles and played tag and pushed people on the swings and did so many things that, as a college student, you don't get to do.
They made Valentine's to take to school and I was given some. It was such a great feeling, as weird as that sounds, to know that they only got to make a few (and this was probably all they were going to be able to have at all) and they chose to give them to us.
One little girl I was with looked at my Valentine and said "someone loves you!" I've thought about that so many times since then.
Sure I may not have a ring on my finger, or a boyfriend that brings me flowers. But I am loved. And that's more than enough.
The rest of the weekend was good too, I passed my pharmacology test, and my brother asked to be my Valentine. Life can't get much better than that.


My mom gave me a whole lot of presents too, which was awesome :)

closer.

There's always a song that just seems to fit my heart.
And right now... that's this.
Closer by Shawn Mcdonald


I remember years ago (we were still in our old house) my little brother asked my dad what's one thing that we should always pray. And my dad responded "God, I want to know you better." He didn't even know I was listening, but I have repeated that over and over throughout the years. This song just seems to coincide with that exactly, and this has been my prayer.

Snow, snow, snow.

And then it happened.
All that cold weather finally found a purpose, and we got out of school.
About an hour after I wrote that last blog every phone in the classroom started going off... the campus police were calling to say school was canceled for the rest of the day.
The rejoicing began.
I ordered a pizza (since the whole campus was closed, no food from there, and our electricity kept going off and on) and my two roommates for next semester came over, and we watched toy story 3 and planned out next semester.
I cleaned my room.
I shaved my legs.
Basically, I did stuff that I had wanted to do and hadn't had time.
The next day school was back in, and I was back to studying my butt off. I took a break to go to the basketball game though, and as I was there... it started snowing. REALLY snowing. And the president of the school stood up during the game and announced we would not have school the next day.

And the whole campus went wild.
Jackets, scarves, hats, mittens, rainboots, running outside, screaming out loud, freshmen to the quad, upperclassmen to the intermural fields (it's a college understanding). Dancing, screaming, hugging, realizing I can stay up for a reason other than studying. We made a cake and watched movies once we realized how tired we were and I fell asleep at a friend's apartment at 4. The next day we went out to walk around, which a lot of people did. We took pictures and thought about how other people were in school and how I was supposed to have a test this day.
The rest of the day I hung out and watched movies with another friend, and the RAs took me to Killeen to get a great american cookie because of having one of the highest grades in the class... (oh yeah, did i not mention that my grade got moved to an 87.5?).

Not a happy post.

This is not a happy post.
I am not exaggerating when I say I have had zero time to blog.
My days are wake up, be at class by 8, want to blow my brains out by 9, be stuck in class till 4, come back, study all night, do RA stuff.
(this semester blows.)
I've been counting down weeks since the first one. 13 left not including spring break.
So because of how crappy this has been, I guess God decided to play a joke on Texas.
...
It is cold.
Freaking freezing! Averaging less than 20, with snow, but snow that doesn't stick.
To make things even better, the power is going out every hour starting at 5 oclock this morning so, as an RA, all the girls are texting me freaking out so I didn't get to get sleep the last couple hours.
Now I'm in class. Typically I would be paying attention, however, today is so pointless.
All of our stuff is on the computer, but no computers can be plugged in, including the teachers. So she's just reading us stuff out of the book... which I've already read. Oh... the fury.
Not to mention the fact I have to retake a math test (that I didn't miss any problems on) because I didn't show all my work. Uuuggghhhhh.
I'm not even going to mention that Valentine's day is coming up which will be a fun day of depression.
And the fact I even have class from 9-3 on Saturday this week...
while on duty.
I warned you.

J1

I meant to blog during Christmas...
I really did.
But I didn't. Basically, I hung with family and friends and had a great time.

But now it's back to reality, and it just so happens, reality sucks this semester.
I'm a J1... for those who don't know what that means, it's the hardest semester of nursing school. You have no life, start clinicals, the whole shabang.

That started for me on Monday.
I went from waking up at 10 every morning, to waking up at 7:20, being at class by 8, and learning for the next 7 hours. Then going back to my room and
reading
studying
reading
watching nursing videos
reading
until I'm dead tired, and fall asleep around 12:30 just to wake up at 7:20 and start again.

I understand that whole no-life thing.

Oh well. As my dad reminded me on the phone today, it'll be worth it in the end.
And one of my 100328378927483 teachers told me today, it's all about positive attitude.

So even though I'm only 2 days into it and still have another month of frontloading (nursing way of saying stuffing so much information in you it actually runs from your brain out your ears) I'm just gonna remember to smile... which was actually my New Year's resolution. Last year's over, and now I can focus on things that really matter.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think...