life.

So I know this is only the second week of school, but it's also the last week before clinicals start, and so it's been a little more stressful than anticipated. I have an IV check off, a pedi math test I have to make a 90 on to pass, a paper due Thursday morning, a trip to Waco to check out the hospital and a simulation all within three days.
But on top of that, I am really having a hard time focusing on school. And I think it's because for the first time, I really don't want to be here.
I want to be there. And I don't know where there is yet.
I'm so confused about where Father wants me next summer. If He wants me somewhere next summer.
What if I was taken overseas to see how amazing it is, and to know that I will make multiple trips around once I become a nurse?
Or am I supposed to go there next summer?
Am I supposed to live there for a short time after I graduate?
At this time, I don't believe Father wants me to live overseas permanently. I'm really not sure why He'd give me a desire to flight nurse and then take me out of the only country that it's really prevalent in. But I don't know. Desires change.

The issue I'm having is that deadlines for trips are coming up. I'd need to sign up and start raising money as soon as I can, especially since I don't have time to work.

I want to know where I'm supposed to go, but I don't feel like I've been given an answer. Maybe that's the answer in itself. Maybe I'm not supposed to know now. Maybe it's a trip that I haven't been presented yet. Maybe He'll place something in my lap that's so beyond amazing for what He wants me to do.
Maybe He doesn't want me to go somewhere this summer, and instead work on getting my EMT before I graduate.
And maybe He's just teaching me patience and to rely on Him more than I already do.
Yeah. He's definitely doing that.

It's so easy to forget that life is more about obedience than activity. If I'm not supposed to go on a trip, that doesn't mean that what I'm doing here is any less important. It's definitely not.
Sometimes I just feel stuck in a rut here, like I should be somewhere overseas, doing something. I can just completely miss the point of everything, over and over again. That's when Father gently opens my eyes to the fact that He wants me here. I'm at this school, in this major, because He wants me to be. I'm being obedient in that way. Now I just have to do it with the right heart.
Though it's okay for me to love the people on the other side of the world, I shouldn't be consumed, especially to the point that I miss the hurting people right in front of me.

Father, only You know my life. I just ask that You do what You want with it.